unemployed husband won't do housework

Hes going to get shown the door by 10 tomorrow. But of course no luck and I guess he got very discouraged. He lives of his parents hand outs and sleeps in everyday..I always worked and was emotionally supportive for him to find a job.but there was always an excuse why he can not work..now I feel sad because I thought he was a better person that he really is..shame on me for allowing this to happen for such a long time.but I was always so busy trying to earn enough to support the family, now I am exhausted and look for him to step in but he is giving me such a hard time. No problem for me, I keep working. I also dont feel I can talk to family and friends as they, my parents in particular, feel that I should be with someone who is earning and has a career path. If anyone has any advice Id appreciate it, because its coming to a point where just the sight of him makes me angry, and especially the way my mother lets him run over her and all that. Problem-Solve. If it is a new habit, it will take some time and a little work for it to feel natural, she said. I wouldnt work even if I were physically able! I support everything all the bills, the rent, ( I want a house) but how can i with just my salary. You cant work with dead beats who history is unemployment and living off the girl friend and then demanding sex? I havent read ALL of these (wow, there are a lot of people in similar circumstances to mine), but what I really want to know is HOW to break up with a partner that is so dependent on you. All Rights Reserved. Do you want your children to grow up victimized and with this twisted sense of love and family? In a perfect world, both partners would work toward the success of their relationship. Just seems like a case of people picking some real winners and somehow feeling as though they are stuck with these people at this point in their lives. his father doesnt want him living with him, his brother kicked him out and his mother lives in another state! When I read about many of the man in the letters above, I see that some have slumped into learned helplessness. It not just about money, it is about the unemployed partners attitude. You are working with a child who needs to find someone as childish as he is. Moreover, they must also play the role of counselor and cheerleader to a traumatized, unsettled husband. You can't change a narcissist and you should never marry one. He wont look for work or try to get a job, we r still living with friends like we r teenagers, as if he could careless, knowing that like always, somehow someway i will fix our problems n i cant with out the help of another income this time. My honest advice would be to really, deeply consider if you want to stay in this marriage. I actually felt better reading all these responses because i know I am not alone and I have a place to vent. So. After reading half these stories Im too exhausted of everything to write out my own. Im a nurse lpn and make just enough to cover our bills alone but that means Nothing extra! But then that means I suffer too! I am the sole provider. I am left to think this whole 15 years was a big fat waste and now shes got me to do all her dirty work. I received an inheritance, rather large, from my grandfather, totally unexpected, about a month prior to hubbys vacation time. Thank you for giving me hope through your words; Miss Koru. I dont think he understands how depressed and alone I am feeling. I live in fear of emergency expenses. 1. I worked 2 and 3 jobs our whole marriage and the bills are getting harder to pay. Ill admit it did give women a sense of individuality and a more self-sustaining way to provide for themselves and their children should the husband up and leave them. I have nothing in savings and bills coming up in 4 months that I have to pay but it doesnt seem she is interested in getting a study job. Nagging creates more marital problems. Good luck with that. It has been five months and he is still unemployed. Of course, he gets cold but because he doesnt pay for the heat thinks nothing of switching it on instead of putting on clothing! I am back to update my previous post (#76). Not a call. Dear all: If only I found this site 18 years ago. Its not ok ti not let s men eirk in live off you. You are not an easy target. Yet, she fights with me frequently because i am not bringing in enough money (i often offer to pay for bills but she declines). I have just read all these comments and cried. Oh my gosh, what do I do. I hope that when you attend your parents funeral one day that this doesnt come to haunt you. EVERYTHING. During the last 8 months I have secured 3 PT teaching contracts and together with my government unemployment check (Canada) I am able to pay all bills. David, The reason was also predictably related to the husband - that he didn't put his towel to dry . Its been said, at length, that there is empathy and understanding for the person that is unemployed. this is another nagging thought.is he using me because living with me is better than living homeless? This is known as specializing, explains Ogolsky. His mother is sending me money to help pay bills each month but she shouldnt have to. This desire to emotionally protect their husbands was expressed by multiple women, including Sandy who would call her husband daily while driving home from work. We bicker like never before. This is farther reaching than just working to contribute towards a higher standard of living. See our favorite looks from outside the shows. I am praying for you. i am hurt stressed and angry. Worst of all, as much as I try to hide how I feel, she cant help but know how dissapointed I am in her! Most of these stories make me sick to my stomach. This of course has engendered an inevitable defiance toward authority. She is 27, unemployed and lost her uncle and mother in the last 2 years We were struggling BEFORE my husband was laid off.He chose to drink,surf the internet (which my kids need to complete schoolwork and lie on the couch. I guess what I am now contemplating is situational issues vs. character issues and I dont have my answer yet. U can not hope to choose way A to reach destination B. Ie. I deeply sympathise with you. I pay for everything mortgage, car, bills and he doesnt want to claim for benefits because he does not want to stoop that low I though of leaving him or going the easy way of committing suicide. If they discuss this, they can develop a plan such as having him do the dishes since this isnt his priority. We have been together almost 10 years and have a 6 year old daughter who is an angel. These comments have been really helpful for me Helps me know Im not crazy for feeling this way! I am now going to make an alternative plan that does not include him, as a back up. He could try to do consulting work, he can do freelance work on fiverr or odesk. I understand where u r coming from. Im at my wits end. I know men on here seem to think we are all just whiny women that just want money. Bc he feels he cant plan until he has an income which I completely agree. It is very difficult to change other people. Im tired every day from working 10-12 hours each day sometimes 6-7 days a week to make ends meet and get us what we NEED. And when they dont have a job they are around the house 24/7 getting on your last nerve causing you to wish-hope-pray that they find something soon even if its something that ultimately is only going to last for a year or less (given the persons track record in these matters.) They still keep dialing for dollars every week lying to unemployment saying that they are looking for work when they clearly arent. Hes can be completely normal one minute and irritable and angry the next. This is it , if The job doesnt work out ,, i just cant do this .. anger at his life, constant disappointment in me .. Or at the very least, useful around the house. He owned a small carpet cleaning company and did okay with this the first 10 years of our marriage while i worked part-time and raised the babies. I am at the end of my rope. I had become very clingy and dependent and had developed what I didnt know was called learned helplessness. Cleaning just enough to keep me from being angry but not quite enough to keep me from being stressed. The other half of the problem is his depression. I need to separate myself from my sisters situation. Im so angry right now. He does not have any vices, and is very frugal. i have tried to leave my husband so many times, i even filed for divorce, but i came back to this situation, to try again, start over with hopes that things will get better. He has nowhere to go anymore and he literally has only what I give him. I cant even find rent for less than my mortgage payment, so selling my house would be a stupid move. wish him to die off hate to say. My boyfriend and me have been together a little over a year. You . He has applied for a handful of jobs in that time, he has really good experience but nothing has come of it. He agreed, but guess what, he had no where to stay and asked if he could just stay for a few weeks till he arranged something else. I think about important question to ask yourself is: do I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? i hope i do get a job because its unlikely any man would put up with supporting me while i try my hardest to contribute. But he lived with a mutual friend & i found out that he was continuing to see her building from an emotional affair to a sexual one. Really we are not worth it, next time tell him to get off you and keep going out the door and dont give him a ride, let his friends come and pick up his s*** once your in the car you again are back in play for the give me one more chance, or I dont know where I will go, who cares as long as its out of you life. Surely we cant survive on just love and fresh air. He has a college degree and at this point I feel he is now unskilled for todays workforce. Hes so lazy he dont study dont work he likes to chill and I should work. I have been out of work since September 2014 (8 months). I need someone to take some of this burden from me, without forcing me to go begging to my parents! This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. I became by small but unrelenting progression of degrees, an absolute wreck. Here are some inventive ways to help make things easier: 1) Talk openly about how hard it is to be married and stay afloat while your spouse isn't working. He sttill wants sex every night and gets mad if i dont want to but i dont want to because im too upset. men worked 8.4 hours per day, versus women at 7.8 hours per day. This pretty much doesnt leave us a lot to work with- and yes, this is insurance on the healthcare exchange. ??? So before any of that happens if I leave he may be able to find a roommate or petition his financial aid. Im like, really, is the point of marriage to not starve? If he throws a temper tantrum, call the police if he dares to lay a hand on you. Actually I dont think he even likes my children anymore. He even started an ebay business thats doing so-so, but the fees are killing just about any profit he makes. He said hes always been the one with all the answers, and now he has none. All the other staff went to the new office. When i get the chance to see him its me or his dad paying for everything. No friggin way you must keep your power. there is absolutely no reason a woman of 49 yr old women with a college degree cannot get a job doing something. He cant even collect unemployment because due the the disability, he had no taxable income the year before. He just got his a.s. is graphic design.. He may mark down the things in mobile but still forget from time to time. Your partner really needs support. It is a highly paid job and has kept my husband and his three kids from a previous marriage in a very happy life style. He hasnt had a job since i graduated high school. Ive worked so much that I missed a lot of my children growing up and even with all the work had to deal with always telling my children no for them to do extra stuff in school because I couldnt afford it, I got where I was working two full time jobs and almost killed myself working so much. I do not want to separate or divorce, but I am trying to figure out how to discuss this without upsetting him and his ego. Its not affordable at all. I try everything but it seems that when life wants to pick on someone it really is relentless. This is CRAP advice. So why wont he just find SOMETHING so we can take our life off of hold. There is a big gap between my boyfriend and me. All this adds to my frustration because I definitly feel like its necessary for me to find work and I cant do a damn thing about it. Hello everone.. He is actively looking it seems. For example, Can you make sure the lawn is mowed before the barbeque tomorrow is more likely to get a response. I love him so much, I truly feel he is the one but I am just trying my best to power through and be good to him and have as much faith in Gods plan as I can. But in the meantime DO SOMETHING, DO ANYTHING, feed your family. Its been 7 years since my husband was laid off. I have a job and give here like some money that she uses for groceries. Who knows. You have been a tremendous blessing to him, but he has been quite a burden to you. He Needs to grow up Only later I found out the reason, my future brother -in-law was lazy, inconsistent, did not work hard enough and was not contributing toward the business. But please believe in yourself you have to strength to take action to change. Thank you for this thread. Kelsey, kick him out. Im sorry. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and three months. He's a proud person. 13 yrs later Im in your boat! Try to find out what he likes that he can make money out off.some people they dont like waking up early and face one thing the whole day but are good in business. Now our two boys are 4.5 and 3 year old and in full time daycare. Ive been in this relationship for 6 1/2 years and he hasnt worked a job for most of it..3 months here, almost 2 yrs of unemployment benefits ( which all through I was calmly pointing out isnt income but a benefit for hard times )then 3 months there and 6 months unemployed and not looking. My kids also dont want his dinner gradually and just want a bowl of cereal. Every time she messes ANYTHING up, especially if its somethign for me, she get depressed and teary. He agreed to the job and it was clearly explained what it would entail so its not like anyone twisted his arm or held a gun to his head or even mislead him about what would be involved. You are not his mother, it is not your job to take care of him. Finally, you may need to come to a place of acceptance. You should be running an advice column. So what did I do? Seek marriage counseling if you are struggling with sharing household responsibilities. From what Ive read, I guess I should just leave. Usually, you just need someone who is there to listen. Remember, life is short and we can be gone any moment. During the 5th week of therapy, her oncologist increased her dosage, which made my sister sick. I wanted to be a chef for years. And here I continue to stay . Whatever you do, dont nag. I thought I was alone. HELP! i have been supportive of my husband for the 3-4 years we been together. Hopeless. So I am trapped. Our whole lives are a facade to our community. I guess I know why he keeps getting laid off: he does exactly the minimum he has to do to complete a task (cleans a litter box? BUT, it is hardI work as a Bookkeeper and I have taken a salary cut since I was last employed at another firm in 2011 because this was the only job opportunity available. I would tell any woman at the beginning of this to take a hard look at what youre dealing with. I wish you all the best, my heart goes out to you. However, I noticed that after I set firm rules about things I will and wont accept, he started to take responsibility for various things. During these years, I cant tell you how many times Ive been at some function where after a few drinks someone said to me, I feel so bad for your partner. Anonymous. My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years. I dont thin he sees it from my side. What about those of us who were forced out of work due to injuries? I am very close with the kids (ages 11 to 16), and take care to prioritize their needs. I am now networking through LinkedIn, seeking out information interviews with executive managers, attending networking events in town, and continually applying for advertized jobs.We have not had to dip into any of our savings. Unfortunately, the environment they lived in previously has enforced many poor habits, as law-breaking and prison-culture was a rule in their mothers home, rather than an exception or an example to be learned from. I make him feel bad with the slightest provocation an eye ball roll, a tone of voice change. Dont be afraid to take matters into your own hands. Somehow, by the grace of God we managed to extend our home to make a home for them. It has been almost a year and a half since my husband lost his job and still no leads. Stepping back can be difficult, but doing so can change your entire dynamic. He does help around the house, handyman stuff, kitchen. Depending on where you live, it might not be that expensive. To all those looking after their unemployed spouse/partner it is hard, it is painful, but if you still have feelings for one another (and trust/respect after all you have been through) I think there is hope. His mom has money, and he can grovel to her as much as he wants for all I care. Have respect for yourself and get out before its really to late. Did you even read the article? Any time I suggested steps to actually find paying clients, or to engage with other people in her field, or to network, or to do anything other than staying home and reading the blogs of more successful people, her go-to response is That sounds exhausting. I was rehired before thanksgiving. The more money his wife makes, the more time a husband spends cooking: about 1 extra minute for every $150 dollars his wife earns in a week. So he has these epic histrionics, I try to stay quiet no matter how much venom and nastiness he spews at me, and then he forgives me the next day. This point in history does not appear to be good for men? However, one job he went too, he got sick two weeks after starting and got let go, it wasnt his fault, but it seemed to trigger something, ever since then, he cant keep a job for more than a few weeks or months at a time. Not that them making six million dollars a year would excuse their behavior or make them any more tolerable. At least my DH love my children. I really needed this thread for the validation and comfort. Starting again over here I work 7 days a week as much as I can. Im over feeling sorry for him and have suddenly realised I feel sorry for me. 5. sitting in front of computer all day. I ended up taking care of them when they were unemployed. Feel as though Im enabling the behavior as I continue to stay . I wish I could separate with my DH, but with 2 school kids and a business just starting, it just not easy as difficult to find someone to love and look after my children. If they just got basic education, they will say a lot of job has high requirement. Even when i was working, she often went into fits of rage and even started hitting herself and crying, because she feels exploited. If you need to rely on other people to get to interviews, how could you make it to a daily job? but I never gave up we relocated from Minneapolis to Milwaukee, WI where we both spent many years. Overtwoyears! You can just search free behavioral health care in your state on Google. I really want him to live with his family until he find a job and can afford to cover his share. Six of those years he was in prison. I know these are terrible thoughts, and I try my best not to let them out to her, but they are there. I was so trusting that when hubby phoned and said end of marriage it was a shock to me. He is still unemployed n blaming me for all the failures in his life. REALLY?!!! He was doing fine performance wise, but was always in an angry mood with a boo boo face saying little to nothing to co-workers. Previous jobs have been short-lived and dont seem to last. And not sleepy or in need of some rest but the type of exhaustion you feel in every breath and bone. dump these guys and go for working men. Instead, I stuff my pride, and in my most polite tone, I tell the preacher-man to stick it. Do you know how many times I have wanted to walk out of my job because it is horrible? The rehashed dismissal that runs with a pursuit of employment is hard. He is a genuinely good person and I'm still in love with him, I just feel like he has some serious depression going on, and probably has our entire 11 years together. "Being in the car for the call is good; if it's bad news it allows me to decompress before I get home, so he doesn't have to see me worry," she said. All of the struggle is worth it, to put a stop to the abuse. I met this guy last July. It has gotten to the point where everything he says and does aggravates me and I have NO compassion for him whatsoever. It is what it is. I climb ladders to change light bulbs which I shouldn't be doing that bc of my back. He pretends yo be kind and says he just will do whatever I say and then less than a week later he is back to his old self again. Are you also working? Youll often ask yourself why is this person still here-why am I keeping them around when the situation is similar to how it would be if they were gone? If your spouse refuses to attend counseling with you, seek counseling for yourself as individual therapy can be effective in helping restore marriages. This entire scenario is indicative of a mental health breakdown, and the unemployment is just another side effect. I own my own home and it is rented. Our marriage is in the toilet, and I am also suicidal and unhappy. Tough :(. It breaks my heart that so many other people are going through the same thing. HE HAS NOT APPLIED FOR A SINGLE JOB since losing his other crappy one over a month ago. I was fearful that I would get really ill again. I cant talk to friends or family about it because they will immediately tell me to leave him, but I dont know if I could risk the consequences of that. But i tried to be strong, i have let it go and o have thought she was never mine but i could not forget her. I go twice a week to the Gym and my husband watches my daughter from 5:30 to 7:30.

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