difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. He saw my face when he said this and then he laughed and said I cant help it, Im an ass, and laughed again. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. Long time no talk. It is boring and lacks any excitement. I have my dignity and that I did not have while I was with him. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. I did not respond. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. So I relented. Vindication? If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. "Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you're trying to forgive. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". 100%. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Thats how people meet. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. (I was afraid they would turn against me). In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? I tried to be friends with him again this year. I want to contact him less frequently. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Hard to be alone. Thats very sad when we have to protect ourselves from a parent. When I knew someone was treating me with disrespect and disregard, it helped me to think about myself as being my own daughter. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account. Its a set up! If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. Youre holding a grudge! Same people. Hes playing with your heart. I hadnt even realised it was there. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. There is a problem with Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. I really love BR. Wonderful. I appreciate your imput. This behavior continued into adulthood. Theres a contingency there. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. You lost your cool over something unrelated, "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off,", , a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. Also, I think its hard to strike a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt and being on the lookout for crap behavior. Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. What are you bearing grudges for? Youre seeing the forest beyond the trees. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Perfect explanation Sparkle! Probably. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream Its not about you or anything you may have said or done. Of course, they object when you point it out. Lower blood pressure. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. Dont take your first attempt. The first two differences is the use of satire. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. Grudges can go from being minor (sibling rivalry, healthy competition) to borderline dangerous (thoughts of harming someone or seeing their demise in some way). Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. This reminds me of the dance AC whom I recently brushed off as having a flirting fetish and who my mother insisted liked me (so I let my guard down an inch). Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. I was a sobbing messat workbecause she left the message at 9:00 a.m. on a work dayknowing I would listen to the message at work. He knows. We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don't understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge. For putting the people who actually do care about you, to the side while w whats his/her face. Practice empathy. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. One night the devil made me do it. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". It's understandable. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. I can't handle being around my mother for more than an hour at a time. Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. You will always remember. Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) I was told yesterday to be content with teaching the same classes, over and over, and to accept that our campus will cut the one program I enjoy teaching in that is congruent with my values and who I am. Because really, what can you feel guilty about or worried what they (ACs) think? she should just walk away whenever he approaches. Do you think its healthy behavior? and promotions on our books and products! We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. Dont They Care About Me? To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. First he was sssoooo happy and chipper sounding I couldnt believe it. and she appears to be lovely woman. Improved mental health. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Its like my old AC all over again. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. Ready. Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Sad but true. Ill definitely remember that. . Avoid judging yourself too harshly. Grace Thank you. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. Thinking a bit more about what's going on can help you figure out if you're canceling plans because you truly want to stay in or because there's something else going on. Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. You will not get it. That is not the issue. Drawing a relational boundary doesn't require a grudge. When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. Hi Ladies and gents. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. I promise you that woman holds grudges. She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. You just gotta listen and watch. Is something wrong with you and your boyfriend? Sorta-slow-fade. I can see it in his eyes. If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. It takes practice. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. When you're holding a grudge, all sorts of things can cause you to get frustrated. Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. The difference depends on your relationship and personality. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. When u end it. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. My gut says he is married or in a relationship. You won't forgive her. Hes done this before. Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. None of these are likely. For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. Listen to it. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? there is so much more to my current world of pain. But I will feel better! Ooh a theological debate. Yes, a relationship that is inherently bad for you is like an addiction. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. I coach clients on this issue as well. I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. Everyone thinks he is an absolutely fantastic husband, and I was lucky to have a man who was taking his kids here and there, putting out the bins, growing loads of his own veg, always smiling. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. Otherwise, it will burn. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. Its also not a punishment. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. ;)). Right before she died, my Grandmother experienced another one of her frustrated, disgusted out of patience with your stupidity rants.she told her Bonnie, the way you spoke to me just then is why you will never have a relationship with your daughter. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. Oddly enough, Im grateful for the monster teacher, because the experience is what I needed to break the cycle, face my demons and begin healing. Key points Holding a grudge is often, in part, an attempt to get the comfort and compassion one didn't get in the past. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. Keep strong, dont rethink anything. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. Intelligent doesnt automatically mean healthy. And the kids seem fine too. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. Stay away. I really like this guy. I said thats just what you say about me. In a word. I know how good it feels when you finally take that step and dont look back. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. I did not acknowledge it. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. But. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. I think its important to do what YOU want for once, rather than letting the guilt stop you from moving on. Just wanted to clarify. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. Then he asked me to think about it and decide what to do (whether to try to stay friends or cut contact, etc.). With all of my relationships Im the same way. It has been found difficult and left untried. If it were easy, everyone would be one, ya know? If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Something she could have easily done herself. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. Stay up to date with what you want to know. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. Meaning: You will do something harmful to her because . I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. FLUSH. Allison, Thank you, yes I feel I am. I could not bear to watch the dynamic as we all used to hang out together. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. This content does not have an English version. Lisa, Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this., This post is great and so timely for me. Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things.

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